I write blog posts for Val’s Bytes and I’m excited and honored to be part of her business. Her site is currently getting a revamp so I have posted my work for her here. When its back up and running I will supply the link.
Are you dating a Narcissist? Master Manipulator? Emotional Terrorist?
Here are some signs that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. I was told these signs a million times by people over the past years and I pushed them back saying “he isn’t abusive things aren’t that bad, he doesn’t hit me.” If you find that you are doing this and minimizing the abuse maybe you need to take a step back and truly evaluate your relationship. So here is a list of 5 things to watch out for and can show you that maybe it’s time to move on from this relationship.
1. He Controls Everything. And it starts with your activities together, it’s with his friends, his hobbies and it’s all on his time; the activities you want to do never seem to work out. He isolates you from your family, you don’t see them as often as you did. Soon you start making up excuses to the people you love on why you never see them and why he never comes with you. He sabotages your friendships making you think that you choose to get rid of your friends. Then control goes on steroids and you start working from home, you no longer have a car, and when you leave the house he is texting and calling wondering who you are with and how long you will be. Soon he controls the money and you no longer have your own, even though you work for it. And you feel guilty about every penny you spend and you start hiding money from him. Now don’t get me started with the sex because that’s going to be controlled too. It will be his choice on his time and his way. You will basically be left unsatisfied and unfulfilled with life and the relationship and when you complain he will make you feel like everything wrong in the relationship is your fault. Like I said before he is in control of everything so he is going to control the blame. This is manipulation at its finest and it will make you think you are crazy. Take a second and stay grounded; it takes two to tango so don’t think the bad relationship is all your fault.
2. History of past Abuse. How does your partner talk about his ex’s? Does he refer to them as crazy? When he talks about who he dated, did it end badly with each one? You better think twice about being with someone that talks that way. There is a common denominator and I don’t think it’s that he only finds crazy women to date. A strong grounded, mature person doesn’t have to label someone as something to protect their ego. A man that has integrity can date remain friendly after it’s over. Listen to the ghosts of his past, they are telling you exactly who he is and someone like this doesn’t find crazies he creates crazies.
3. The giving and taking are not the same. In a bad relationship there will always be one person that is the taker and the other the giver. That’s how you have been able to stay with him so long but also the reason that you’re feeling drained. You’re giving everything and doing everything and he will give you enough to keep you around.
4. The game of emotional abuse: belittling and stonewalling. Does he tell you things that are physically wrong with your body? Does he always fail to celebrate your successes? Does he stand up for you with friends or family? Does he call you his doormat? Then when you get upset (because these are all hurtful things) he then ignores you till you apologize for getting upset? This is all in the plan because if you think you aren’t enough for him you get so low that you get to thinking you can’t live without him. You will bend over backwards doing anything he wants to keep him around. No one deserves to be a doormat, close that door immediately and open another that will lift up the doormat, dust it off and treat you like the amazing woman you are.
5. Cycle of abuse, another reason you stay because when it is good it’s SO GOOD. I remember crying after my ex and I bought a house together and we saged it and talked about all the positive things that were going to happen in the house. Well for once we did an activity I wanted to do. And it was fun, happy, positive and he was all in and paying 100% attention to me. The high of things going good never lasts, eventually the honeymoon stage is over and the cycle begins again. He will belittle, stonewall or flat out choose anything or anyone over you; you then get upset and then you’re called crazy. Meanwhile you think it’s your fault and stay because you THINK you can learn to not be crazy. But in reality you aren’t crazy and anyone that gets belittled, stonewalled and flat out chosen last would be upset. You are Normal; You will find a normal person to love and you will be fulfilled and completely normal.
So if you can relate to this list and you think your relationship is very similar, Please Go! You’re beautiful, smart, strong and even though you have been conditioned to think otherwise and even though it will be hardest thing you have ever done; do it. He will never change and you will stay unfulfilled and drained. You can have a best friend as a partner, someone that’s excited to see you. I stayed in an abusive relationship for almost 10 years, in the end after I changed my bad habits and worked on myself and came to find it still was not working because he didn’t want it too. I tried to leave 3 times before I actually did. It was the hardest thing I ever did and the best choice I ever made. Now that it’s all over and I’ve been with amazing man, I have the relationship that mirrors my parents. I am so glad I did it. It took a long time to get here and I’m so proud to be where I am and be who I am. We are both in love with each other and will do anything to make sure each other are happy. I didn’t think this existed and I didn’t think a relationship could be easy but it does and it is.
Thank you for coming to the party today, it’s a bit of a downer but as a society we need teach the signs of a bad relationship so that we can have a healthier one. Moving on from a 9 year, on and off torturous relationship was the hardest thing I have ever been through but it was best thing that could of happened to me. Being in a unhealthy relationship taught me exactly what I wanted and needed in my forever relationship. I’m so grateful for what I have learned and I’m thankful for the experience and knowledge of knowing what I deserve and want is achievable. I wouldn’t be with an amazing man that listens to me and is my best friend, time flies when your having fun and since I met this man the adventure never ends. The fairy tale does it exist, don’t ever settle. Let me know if you liked the post or it helped you in some way by commenting and sharing, go follow on Facebook at @shopanythinggirly
P.S. Val’s bytes asked me to write a post about relationships. Check out my other post about healthy relationships and how to know your in one click here.